


letters to virginia

by nahyucks



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, F/F, Genderbending, also a few mentions of throwing up, also a mention of injury and hospitals, there's some references to alcohol and drug use in a party setting, very very mild homophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-29
Updated: 2019-08-29
Packaged: 2020-09-29 12:42:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20436212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nahyucks/pseuds/nahyucks
Summary: “i am reduced to a thing that wants virginia. i composed a beautiful letter to you in the sleepless nightmare hours of the night, and it has all gone: i just miss you, in a quite simple desperate human way.”or a fic in which girl!donghyuck has the biggest crush on her roommate girl!jaemin





	letters to virginia

**Author's Note:**

> dedicated to cherry for enabling my nahyuck addiction 
> 
> and grace for inspiring this with her beautiful drawing

donghyuck loves the smell of forgotten books deep within the library. most nights, the desk in the back corner, surrounded by these books is where she finds herself. she says it’s because it’s the best way to study, the best place to study on campus, but it’s because she’s sure that no one knows about this place and the quiet it provides. 

sometimes it’s hard to think, especially in the dorms. her neighbors across the hall always turn their music up loud and the ra never does anything about it, much to donghyuck’s dismay. but maybe it’s serendipitous, in its own way, because donghyuck’s roommate is incredibly distracting-- tall with long hair, long eyelashes, and the prettiest smile donghyuck’s ever seen. 

but that’s besides the point. 

her grades are what she’s focusing on in the moment, the stupid long essay she’s writing for her piece of shit professor who always grades her papers like shit ever since she said that shakespeare was a gay man taking out his misogynistic views on his women characters. now she’s forced to not give him a reason to fail her -- proving to be an impossible task. 

“your mind is everywhere in your papers,” he tells her in his office. her eyes wander from the hamlet poster on the wall to his face which is bent downwards in a frown. “you need to focus.”

donghyuck looks at her notes, which to her, are starting to look like a strange alien language, despite the dedication to a detailed structure. too wordy, she thinks. when she looks to the clock at the top of her computer she sighs, wondering if she should just close her laptop for the night and go back to her dorm to watch another stupid, yet binge worthy, show. the kind that makes her sleepy as she curls up with her pillows and a cup of ramen. 

the thought of it is way too enticing to give up, her grades be damned. at least for the next ten hours until her eight am biology class. 

walking at night on campus, things feel so lonely-- the lack of hustle between buildings and the chatter of caffeine addicted, stressed out students, makes her feel at the center of everything and everything is nothing but the drone of electrical boxes lighting up a few of the rooms beyond the archway of the university’s library, the distant laughter of someone coming home from a victorious round of first year drinking games, and the sound of her shoes against the pavement and her backpack moving across her yellow spring coat as she walks. 

for a moment she feels sad because there’s a strange tension inside of her, probably from the amount of books she’s carrying on her weak, skinny shoulders. but there’s something else-- the possibility that she is really alone on this campus. 

donghyuck hasn’t made any friends since she set foot on the grounds. she supposes it’s her own fault because she’s definitely not tried; no clubs or extracurricular. she digresses, there’s no time when donghyuck’s dedicated her time to studying like a mindless robot and pulling her hair out while memorizing the periodic table so she doesn’t fail her chemistry exam. 

even her roommate is strangely elusive-- like a ghost, just to remind her how isolated she really is from the rest of the university. but it’s not her fault, donghyuck had realized a month in that jaemin had already given up on inviting her out when her answer was always no. 

still, donghyuck sometimes wished that jaemin stayed around the dorm long enough to keep her company as she slips into madness. when jaemin wasn’t drawing quietly on her ipad, she was getting ready to go out to another party and coming home smelling like tequila and cigarettes. it’s nice to know that university life was proving to be culturally and socially rewarding for at least one of them. 

but even so, jaemin made donghyuck curious; even between the moments where she spaced out writing her lab reports. maybe one day she’d work up the courage to ask jaemin to take her to one of these parties, borrow one of her expensive looking dresses, and put on a face full of makeup. but donghyuck knows she never will, and in two or so years, when they could live off campus, they’d forget about one another , only to run into each other and exchange awkward smiles. 

donghyuck huffs, pushing her light brown hair out of her face and reaching behind her to put it into a small ponytail that touches only the nape of her neck. she refuses to start thinking about this now, and instead thinks of the ramen that’s waiting for her inside. 

she’s alone as she curls up in her bed, setting down the ramen next to her as she wraps herself in blankets, and opens her computer to continue the show she’s been attempting to keep up with for over a month. twenty minutes in, her eyes feel heavy and not even the steaming bowl of ramen can save her from the swift layer of sleep that hides beneath her skin, the exhaustion that’s burrowed inside of the hollows of her bones.

the sleep lasts about two hours before she wakes to the sound of a crash, and someone cursing. she opens her eyes, rubbing them with curled fists, and squints in the dark, glancing to her laptop as netflix is asking her if she’s still watching. she closes her laptop and turns on her bedside lamp, blinking as she attempts to adjust her eyes to the light that’s casting dark shadows on the walls before looking across the room at her roommate who’s rubbing her knee, movements slow and clumsy. 

“jaemin? you... okay?” donghyuck asks, rubbing her eyes still. 

“yeah,” jaemin says, wincing at the pain and limping slightly as she makes her way to her bed, parallel to donghyuck’s. “i’m sorry. i didn’t mean to wake you.” 

donghyuck watches as jaemin reaches down to peel off her heels and then closes her eyes to yawn and stretch. she eyes jaemin as she holds her head in her hands, pushing her long hair off her shoulders. 

“you sure you’re okay?” 

“yeah, i’m…” jaemin pauses to look up at donghyuck. “i’ve got the spins but m-maybe if i close my eyes…” donghyuck watches in slight amusement as jaemin closes her eyes and lays back on the bed, groaning, and covering her face. “you know that feeling like when being drunk sucks and you just don’t wanna be drunk anymore?” her words are slurred the more she speaks, and donghyuck notices the cut on her knee that’s starting to bleed and drip down her leg. 

“no offense,” donghyuck says softly, getting up and stretching. “but you look like a mess.” 

jaemin laughs and looks up at donghyuck before she takes her hands and lets donghyuck pull her up and walk with her to the bathroom. donghyuck watches jaemin jump to sit on the counter, and lean back on the mirror. 

“here, hydration,” donghyuck says, filling a cup full of water and giving it to jaemin.

“oh, thank you, dr. lee,” jaemin says with a smirk, before sipping on the water slowly. donghyuck laughs a little, moving to the small shelf and looking for band-aids, and some kind of antiseptic. 

“i’m not a doctor,” donghyuck quips quietly, taking a wet washcloth and cleaning up jaemin’s leg. “but damn, you really… hit the desk hard. you’re already bruising.” jaemin winches as donghyuck pats the washcloth to her injured knee. “it doesn’t even hurt that bad, pussy.” 

“excuse you,” she says. “you’ve never… drunkenly run into a desk at two am. you don’t know my pain.” donghyuck snorts as she places the bandaid over jaemin’s knee and pats it lightly. jaemin sits up and lets her leg down from donghyuck’s grasp, reaching over to pinch her cheek. “you’re gonna be such a good doctor. you’ll make so much money and you’ll like… it’ll be like all your money. you won’t have to be a trophy wife or anything. that’s so fucking amazing, you’re like doing it… ” 

donghyuck chuckles, and swats jaemin’s hand away, but jaemin moves closer, touching donghyuck’s cheek with a light stroke of her thumb. she smells like cheap beer but for some reason, donghyuck can’t pull away or feel disgusted, even as jaemin’s eyeliner is smudged down her cheek and her lipstick has undoubtedly been ruined by some stranger’s mouth.

a soft “jaem…” escapes her mouth as she feels her heart go wild in her chest, pounding as if it’s trying to escape from behind bars of ribs. she almost closes her eyes, until she sees jaemin’s face go pale and her hand leaves donghyuck’s cheek to cover her own mouth, slipping past her to kneel over the toilet. donghyuck stands still for a moment, touching her cheek before she moves to jaemin, pushing her hair off her face and holding it back, grimacing at the sounds she supposes she should get used to it as a doctor in training. 

finally, jaemin leans back and wipes her mouth looking defeated and disastrous. 

“feel better?”

jaemin nods before getting up and flushing the toilet, heaving a sigh as she tries to stand up. after a few moments of embarrassing herself as her feet slip on the tiled floor, she admits defeat and lets donghyuck help her up and begins to undress herself to get in the shower. donghyuck’s eyes linger for a moment as she watches the way jaemin’s long hair falls against her back, turning away when she sees her reach behind her to undo her bra. 

donghyuck sits back on the bed as she hears the shower starting, keeping her ears open for any loud thumps that may be jaemin’s plastered body hitting the shower floor. she sighs as she sees the forgotten ramen sitting on her bedside table, realizing she had no appetite after the events that had just unfolded before her like a depressing mandala. getting up to dump it in the trash, she feels her movements heavy and awkward, as though in a daze. 

she didn’t know much about jaemin, but she knew that her roommate had a boyfriend; one of those regal types that was going to school for business. the weird thing was, she’d only seen them together all but a few times and only through pictures of them on instagram, looking almost photoshopped, too perfect to actually be someone she knew in real life. jaemin never talked about him, and if she did, it was brief. donghyuck only assumes it’s because jaemin’s not the bragging type and even so, it wasn’t like they had many moments to sit and talk about relationships.

donghyuck had kept her sexuality a secret, knowing that it could ruin her reputation at the university and her literature professor would fail her for real. it was always uncomfortable to have to pretend that she were straight, as if the smile she put on to giggle about the cute boys in high school was only a costume. it was daunting and tiring, by the time she took off the mask, she’d almost forgotten who she was underneath. but it gnawed at her in the darkest of times, like now as she’s fantasizing about what could have happened if jaemin hadn’t had upchucked.

she groans, because isn’t that the first rule of being a lesbian? never fall for a straight girl. even if she’s hot and when not drunk, smells sweet like candy. 

“you okay? i didn’t make you sympathy sick, did i?” jaemin says, walking out of the bathroom, a towel wrapped around her, hair falling down her shoulders and dripping onto the hardwood floor. 

donghyuck shakes her head, pulling the covers over her as she swallows thickly. jaemin looks just as beautiful without makeup on and it makes donghyuck squirm. 

“sorry, by the way,” jaemin says softly, with a smile on hanging on her lips as she brushes her hair, now fully dressed. “we don’t see each other for weeks because of finals and suddenly i crash in here like a tsunami. you... didn’t have to hold my hair back but i do appreciate it.” 

“it’s no problem,” donghyuck says giving jaemin a small smile back. 

“well, i owe you, okay?”

“sure,” donghyuck says, barely above a whisper. 

“goodnight, hyuckie,” jaemin says, laying down to look at her phone before locking it and setting it to the side as donghyuck turns off her lamp. 

“goodnight, jaem.” 

*

a nervous energy runs through donghyuck’s fingertips. finals are over, but for donghyuck, it seems that she can never let her guard down. she finally sends in her essay, wishing for the best, but not exactly with high hopes. now she’s studying chemical compounds again, looking over all her notes so she can prepare herself for the semester to resume. 

for a moment, her eyes glance over to jaemin’s neatly made bed. she should have assumed that jaemin would go home for the break but still, donghyuck wished she hadn’t. perhaps that’s the reason she’s drawing out excuses to study things that she should let her brain rest from; a distraction. 

donghyuck shakes her head, closing her notebook and getting up suddenly. she finds her jacket and grabs her wallet and phone, locking the door as she sets out to the cafe that’s a block away on campus. it’s still a little cold, but the weather is starting to warm up to the point that once she finds herself in the little cafe, she’s almost too warm. she takes off her jacket and folds it over her arm before putting in her order, and walking to sit down at one of the tables.

the cafe is busy, a constant mess of voices as some sit in small groups around ceramic mugs full of steaming foamy coffee. some of them are sitting by themselves, furiously typing away on their laptop surrounded by piles of papers. donghyuck thinks suddenly, to go to college is about the most insane thing anyone can do, yet it’s expected of just about everyone who’s privileged enough to have the option. spending thousands of dollars to have a mental breakdown every week, just to be able to survive and live comfortably seems such a strange concept in a brief moment she almost wants to drop out and move to some remote town in europe.

but the donghyuck thinks of her family who, as she looks at the time, is probably getting ready for dinner, though their convenience store runs twenty-four hours a day. she almost feels a little bit guilty that she’s not there to help but in the same breath, she feels as if she’s doing this for them. without her scholarship, without putting in the effort to have her degree, she’s not sure that they’ll be able to live comfortably in their middle age. 

the ledger in her parents' room showed significant debt and it terrified her-- still terrifies her. she tries to turn her fear into motivation, even if college were to kill her in the end. 

it’s about seven pm when donghyuck feels she’s tired of pretending to be social and listens to the bell above the door ring as she makes her way out and onto the sidewalk, headed back to the dorms. 

when donghyuck reaches her room, she reaches for her key but hears a soft voice behind the door. she reaches out for the doorknob and finds it unlocked, twisting it and pushing the door open slowly. her eyes land on jaemin, sitting on her bed with an arm wrapped around her waist and head hanging, eyes staring at the floor, as she presses her phone to her ear. 

“no,” jaemin says, voice shaking. donghyuck realizes in that moment that she’s crying. “it’s not a mistake. i didn’t make a mistake.” she pauses before she lets out a huff. “i don’t wanna talk about this anymore,” jaemin mumbles before ending the call and throwing her phone on the bed. 

donghyuck is still standing in the doorway when jaemin looks over to her.

“it’s your room too, hyuckie,” jaemin says softly, giving her a smile. “you can come in.”

donghyuck stalls again for a moment before finally moving to close the door, locking it and walking to her bed, taking off her jacket and sitting across from jaemin. she’s quiet, looking at jaemin, as jaemin looks at her. 

“are you… okay?” donghyuck asks finally. 

“oh my god, i thought you were just gonna keep staring at me. i was wondering if you’d break like a world record of most time spent not blinking.” jaemin laughs a little, sniffling and pushing her hair off her shoulders. donghyuck stays quiet and jaemin’s smile fades just slightly when she notices donghyuck’s worry still etched across her face. “i’m okay,” she says with a nod. “i broke up with my boyfriend and my parents aren’t happy about it.” 

“oh,” donghyuck says trying to ignore the steady beat of her heart. this is not the time, she reminds herself. we can celebrate jaemin being single when she’s not crying. 

“yeah,” jaemin says with a shrug. “typical of them when i try to make a decision for myself.”

“it’s typical?”

jaemin shrugs again and then shakes her head, breaking eye contact and furrowing her eyebrows. donghyuck is quiet as she tries to anticipate an explanation so she doesn’t have to ask. but one never comes and she’s not brave enough to dig deeper into jaemin’s oh so, mysterious life. 

“so you’re… staying here, then? during the break?”

jaemin looks over to donghyuck again and nods, giving donghyuck another smile. “if that’s okay,” she whispers, sending donghyuck’s stomach to do a weird flip in her abdomen. 

“it’s definitely okay,” donghyuck tells her before looking down bashfully, cursing the pink hue that she knows is highlighting the tips of her cheeks. she puts a strand of hair behind her ear before shrugging slightly. when she looks back to jaemin, she swears there’s a knowing look on her roommate’s face that makes her nervous. did i just give myself away? she wonders suddenly. but the thought washes away when jaemin wonders what donghyuck has planned for their small bout of free time. 

“was just gonna study, watch a few shows,” donghyuck explains sitting back against the wall and enjoying the way the setting sun has creeped into jaemin’s skin. she looks warm, as if just touching her would send some kind of jolt across her body, from head to toe and encompass her in a blissfully smothering feeling of contentment. 

“study?” jaemin repeats with disgust. “for what? i swear, you’re insane.” 

donghyuck laughs and blushes once more before she looks to jaemin with a small shrug. 

“what else is there to do?” 

and it’s then, while jaemin looks to her with a smirk curled on her lips, donghyuck realizes she’s made a terrible mistake.

*

the weather is way too cold to be wearing such a short dress, she thinks as she attempts to pull it down further to cover her legs. jaemin is walking by her side, looking for their ride off campus to some party that jaemin’s convinced her ( albeit, mildly ) to join. once she’s done getting ready, looking into the mirror she feels for some reason that she looks ridiculous and wants to back out. however in the same moment she catches jaemin walking out of the bathroom, looking so stunning that donghyuck follows her out of their room like a small puppy. 

“what kind of party is this?” donghyuck asks trying to keep up and also not trip and twist her ankle in the heels that she’s borrowed from jaemin. 

“the trashy kind,” jaemin says. “what kind of girl do you think i am?” 

donghyuck laughs nervously, seeing her breath in the chill of the night. it pillows around her mouth and tells her to absolutely get inside before her legs stay a bright red forever. 

“don’t be nervous,” jaemin says, as though she can read donghyuck’s mind. “i’ll be with you the whole time.” she reaches out to grab donghyuck’s hand and squeezes as they continue to walk. jaemin’s hands are cold but in a moment, they warm to donghyuck’s touch. for a split second, donghyuck stares at the fingers laced together and wonders just how deep this crush is. 

but she can’t think too much once jaemin drops her hand and escorts her to a house that’s seemingly alive with a heartbeat and bright windows with shadows flickering past, noises of laughter and shouting. donghyuck keeps almost to the edge of jaemin’s heel as she follows her inside.

the scene is overwhelming. there’s a strange cloud of smoke that’s lingering over the entire atmosphere-- which she deters is a product of the weed that’s being passed around and the many lit cigarettes. red solo cups, beer bottles, and cans line every surface where a person isn’t occupied. some are broken on the floor and some are spilled over and dripping into puddles below. 

she spots at least five couples making out on top of each other as they move further into the party and she finds out that the shouting comes from a circle of freshmen being made to keep up with the upper classmen’s drinking games. she looks to jaemin and jaemin only smiles to her, linking her arm around donghyuck’s, and pulling her along to find some drinks, avoiding flying objects and people drunkenly falling into each other. “don’t be afraid,” jaemin whispers loudly so only donghyuck can hear. 

suddenly someone comes crashing into the two of them and donghyuck watches as jaemin’s features turn from annoyance to enthusiasm. the boy who’s purposely fallen into them’s name is mark and apparently, he and jaemin know each other from art history class. 

“nice to meet you,” mark says with a smile and instead of a handshake, hands donghyuck a beer. 

“didn’t know you’d be here,” jaemin says to him with a smirk on her lips. 

there’s a pang of jealousy that creeps down donghyuck’s spine but she attempts to ignore it as she watches the two interact as what she hopes to just be good friends. 

“hopefully it’s a good surprise?” he says to her with a smile and donghyuck watches his eyes give jaemin a once over. donghyuck wants to roll her eyes but she stops herself, though she’s not sure mark would even notice as he’s so fixated on jaemin. 

after a moment, he leads them to a semi quiet part of the house where only a few people sit lounging and the chaos from the other room is present on a much calmer level. there’s a joint passed around the room which donghyuck waves away and moves to look at the vinyl collection on the shelf instead, a short distance from jaemin and mark who’ve found a spot on one of the couches. 

as she finds an album to put on, she hears jaemin’s laugh and looks over to see her roommate with her hand on mark’s leg. jaemin seems to have forgotten about her promise of sticking together, but donghyuck doesn’t mind as long as she’s passed another cold beer to drink half in one go. 

the rest of it is downed, swallowed and leaving a bad taste on her tongue, when she watches jaemin and mark get up to leave, hand in hand. jaemin looks to donghyuck and for a moment, she looks sad and donghyuck sees a hesitation before she’s out of sight. the confusing brew of feelings leads her to take another drink, and then another, and then another. when another joint circles the room, this time donghyuck takes a hit and feels her head start to swim. her vision gets more and more fuzzy, movements sloppy and when she stands up to go to the bathroom, she’s disoriented. 

luckily when she finally finds the bathroom door, it seems to be unoccupied, or at least she supposes so until the scene before her is enough to sober her. jaemin’s sitting on the bathroom counter, arms around mark’s shoulders. his hand rests on her waist, while the other one rests on her thigh that’s exposed all the way up to her underwear. they only come up for air from what looked like a deep makeout session when donghyuck lets out a noise-- incoherent and unintelligible, possibly a little distressed. jaemin looks almost panicked as she sees donghyuck standing in the doorway and pushes mark away, jumping down and pulling her dress to cover most of her thighs again. “donghyuck,” she says softly.

“no worries,” donghyuck says with words slurred together and a little too loud. “i’ll just,” she pauses trying to figure out her next line of words. “i’ll just go puke outside,” she says pointing her thumb behind her. “carry on… you… crazy kids.” donghyuck shuts the door on them and quickly tries to make her way outside. usually she’s small enough that she can push her way through the crowds but she feels strangely as though she’s being sucked back into the house as hard as she tries to leave. 

tears threaten to push down her cheeks and the maniacal yells of her peers feel threatening.

finally she feels the cold air hit her flushed cheeks. the breeze makes her realize just how drunk she is and dizzy. she takes a few steps before missing a step and falling to the sidewalk, crying out in pain. “fuck,” she whispers looking to the broken heel of jaemin’s shoe and the swelling of her ankle and she starts to sob. her tears are hot against her face, breath moving into swirls and shapes in front of her as she tries to get up. she feels sick and she wonders how the fuck she’s going to get up and get back to her dorm before she feels a cool touch to her flushed skin. 

she looks up to see jaemin’s face looking down at her and her heartbeat quickens once more.

“are you okay?” jaemin asks with a blanket of worry covering her voice. donghyuck notices that jaemin’s words aren’t slurred like hers and she’s much more sober than she thought she was. for some reason jaemin’s capability to make rational decisions makes everything hurt more. 

“i’m fine,” donghyuck says tugging her arm out of jaemin’s grasp. “i can do it.” 

jaemin huffs and looks to donghyuck’s ankle, reaching out to touch it softly. donghyuck winces and lets out a noise of pain. 

“that’s what i thought,” jaemin says sternly and reaches for donghyuck’s hands. reluctantly, jaemin is allowed to help donghyuck up and slings her arm around her shoulder to help take the pressure off her ankle.

the longer it takes for jaemin to call a car to pick them up, the more donghyuck sobers. she pushes hot tears away from her cheeks, circling her arms around her waist and shivering from the cold. finally, jaemin sits down next to her and breathes a long sigh. donghyuck doesn’t really wanna look at her but curiosity leads her to defy her rational mind’s demands. her eyes glance at jaemin’s leg, up to her thigh, and then to her hands as they sit on her lap. finally her glance traces the outline of jaemin’s arm, to her shoulder, and her neck and lastly, her lips and eyes. 

“you ditched me,” donghyuck says softly, watching jaemin’s demeanor close and wither like a new bud to an early morning frost. 

jaemin looks at her now, before pursing her lips and shaking her head. 

“i know. i’m sorry, hyuck.” 

“it’s okay.” 

*

the next morning, there’s a heavy pain that shoots up donghyuck’s entire leg. she looks down to see herself barely clothed and foot propped up on a couple of pillows. turning her head, her eyes fall to jaemin who’s already looking at her with her head laying against the mattress. 

“goodmorning,” jaemin says softly, giving her one of those smiles that drives donghyuck crazy. “you dumb clutz.” jaemin gets up and finds a clean glass over the sink, running the water till it’s cold and bringing the glass to donghyuck. “take your meds.”

donghyuck looks to her bedside table, noticing the few orange prescription bottles. she recognizes the names of the medication, one for swelling, one for pain. “i should eat first,” donghyuck says, sitting up, only to feel the pain intensify. 

“right,” jaemin says, handing her a brown paper bag from one of the convenience stores on campus. donghyuck opens it to find a semi-warm bagel. 

“thanks,” donghyuck mumbles, wincing as she moves to take a drink of water, and then a small bite of the bagel. there’s a dull pain in her head as she licks her lips, and realizes how chapped they are. she’s dehydrated, she notes, taking another gulp of the glass of water. 

there’s an uncomfortable silence as she feels jaemin’s eyes on her, watching and waiting in awkward desperation. donghyuck isn’t sure what jaemin expects from her and truthfully, donghyuck is only confused. she wishes it could be like the movies, where she gets so drunk she doesn’t remember anything, but she does. she remembers everything. 

donghyuck remembers jaemin’s glance as she and mark walked out of the room together, finding them in the bathroom with his hand up her dress, and on her thigh, and then she remembers stumbling out of the house, and the sharp pain as her ankle twists in a way it wasn’t meant to. 

then there was the bright lights of the hospital. she sees jaemin take out her credit card and hand it to the billing secretary. she feels jaemin’s hands on her waist as they struggle to make their way back to their dorm together. but what she remembers the most is the awkward silence, and how it rang so loud in her ears before she finally passed out. 

“you feeling okay?” jaemin asks, watching donghyuck’s fingers as they stall around the food. 

donghyuck shakes her head. “don’t feel so good,” she mutters, before the sickness in her stomach finally makes its way up. but jaemin is quick, pulling their small and basically empty trashcan to sit on donghyuck’s lap. donghyuck feels jaemin’s hand on her back, and another, pushing her hair from her face. she wants to die, suddenly aware of how embarrassing all of this is, and wishes she’d never followed jaemin to that fucking party. donghyuck starts to cry, feeling pain radiate all over her, and pushing her food away from her. 

“you’re okay,” jaemin whispers. but donghyuck really doesn’t think so. “feel better?”

donghyuck nods, though it’s a lie.

“do you think a cold shower would make you feel better?” 

donghyuck shrugs. 

“let’s try,” jaemin says, standing up and grabbing donghyuck’s small figure before leading her to the bathroom. donghyuck feels fragile and vulnerable in jaemin’s arms and it’s uncomfortable, almost. she wants to put an undying faith in her roommate, like she had yesterday, before the party. but now it’s almost impossible, and she just feels stupid, hurt, and sad. 

jaemin’s touch is invitingly soft, her voice temptingly gentle, but donghyuck can only think now that it’s out of guilt, or out of boredom. 

donghyuck undresses reluctantly, sitting in the bath before jaemin pulls down the shower head and turns the water on. 

“can… i help?” jaemin asks, softly. 

donghyuck nods as she pushes more tears from her cheeks. her arms feel weak and her head feels fuzzy, stomach still churning uncomfortably inside of her. she’d say no if she didn’t feel so incapacitated and they’re just girls, after all. 

jaemin sits down beside the tub and waits for the water to be the right temperature before she brings it to donghyuck’s skin, hand reaching out to touch her gently. 

“i’m really sorry, donghyuck,” jaemin says, as she begins to wash donghyuck’s hair. “i really didn’t mean for all of this to happen. i thought we’d have fun, you know?” donghyuck says nothing so jaemin continues. “i didn’t want you to get hurt. i should have just stayed with you.”

“not going to lie, it feels like lately, i can’t do much good anyways,” jaemin says softly with a huff as she focuses on not getting soap in donghyuck’s eye. “i wanted you to have fun but i guess, my destructive lifestyle isn’t… for everyone.” she lets out a quiet laugh before it fades. “i thought… actually i don’t know what i was thinking, leaving you alone like that. look what happened. it’s all my fault.” 

“it is,” donghyuck says, finally, voice cracking a bit. she looks to jaemin who looks surprised at her sudden use of words. “you’re an asshole.” 

jaemin looks sad and embarrassed, lowering the shower head and eyes shaking slightly as she tries to find the right words to say. but before she can say anything, donghyuck grabs the showerhead from her hand and sprays her right in the face, startling jaemin, and causing her to gasp. donghyuck giggles and shrugs, watching jaemin nod and her lips purse. “i suppose i deserved that.” 

donghyuck only giggles and sprays her again. jaemin laughs, and lets out a yell, looking to donghyuck with dripping wet hair. 

“alright, now you’re just being mean.” 

they’re silent for a few moments before donghyuck’s smile turns from mischievous to something more soft. “i forgive you, jaem,” donghyuck says quietly, eyes glancing to jaemin’s lips for a moment. her heart skips a beat when jaemin’s hand reaches out to cup her cheek, stroking her skin as she stares into her eyes. donghyuck wants nothing more than for this all to be real. she finds herself feeling utterly hopeless. 

“you’re something else, lee donghyuck,” jaemin whispers. “really something.” 

*

the pain meds make donghyuck sleep for hours, but everytime she wakes up jaemin is there, either sitting on the same bed, drawing on her tablet, or sleeping next to her, hands curled around the blankets, and her long brown hair hair framing her face. it takes donghyuck a few moments of bravery to reach out and push the hair off her forehead, run a finger down jaemin’s nose, and then across her eyebrow. 

she wonders if she’ll ever get over this crush, or if it’s one of those that stay forever, hide in the shadows and jump out when one least expects it. donghyuck certainly hopes not, wondering if jaemin will even live on campus next year. their time is running out, donghyuck thinks sadly. in less than a year, the pretty girl sleeping in her bed will have moved on and her name might come out in passing-- to tell a funny story about how once in college her roommate got so drunk she broke her ankle. 

the thought sits in the bottom of her stomach before it climbs up, and leaves a bad taste in her mouth, reminding her of the taste of cheap beer. 

in a moment of rationality, donghyuck remembers she’s been trained for this kind of love-- the kind that’s tempting, and beautiful, but can never be hers no matter how hard she wishes. unrequited love that makes her yearn for more, but in the end, donghyuck knows she’ll always be searching. donghyuck knows that she’s going to get her heartbroken many more times as she continues to be what she is. 

she hates it. sometimes she hates herself. 

donghyuck knows it wouldn’t be this hard if she were normal. she knows people would look at her and think or say horrible things, if she were allowed to be with who she wanted. donghyuck knows that if she weren’t gay, she’d probably be in some sort of drama relationship-- waiting for some tall semi good looking guy to catch her in the rain with an umbrella, and walk her home. but instead, she’s desperately waiting for the attention of her roommate-- waiting for jaemin to say something to give her a sign that she feels the same way. 

donghyuck has been taught to never make the first move, even if it’ll destroy her to wonder what if years later. even if it keeps her alone, and miserable, because the truth is, donghyuck is desperately fearful of love. 

the angel in her bed is beautiful, with her skin catching the light in all the right ways, and eyelashes fanning across her cheek. in the same breath, she’s terrifying. jaemin is so inviting that donghyuck feels as though this has to end badly, no matter what. 

perhaps she’s a masochist, knowing what can hurt her, but wanting it anyways. 

donghyuck holds her breath as jaemin sturs, and her eyes slowly open to glance over at donghyuck, and give her a smile, like always. and like always, donghyuck’s heart turns into a puddle at the bottom of her ribcage. 

“hi,” jaemin says in a whisper, reaching out to grab donghyuck’s hand.

“hey,” donghyuck says, smiling back, probably like an idiot, and taking her hand from jaemin to touch her cheek. jaemin kisses donghyuck’s fingers as they pass close to her lips. 

“were you watching me?” jaemin says with a smirk, flicking up an eyebrow. donghyuck only shrugs, and giving jaemin a playful smile before she lets out a little laugh. jaemin laughs with her before her laugh stalls, and she reaches out to touch the skin of donghyuck’s arm, stroking softly and then sitting up. donghyuck swears she can see a blush move across jaemin’s skin in the dim light but remembers, that’s impossible.

“should i go get us something to eat?” jaemin asks, suddenly. “we could watch a movie when i come back and just… be lazy.” 

“well, we’ve already been lazy,” donghyuck says, sitting up and wincing slightly. “but everything else sounds good. i’m sorry you… feel like you have to stay in with me.”

jaemin shakes her head. “it’s my fault you’re even stuck here. and i don’t mind, i could use the excuse to just stay in,” she says with a shrug. donghyuck smiles and nods.

“okay then,” she whispers. “i want chicken and a lot of it.” 

“chicken. a lot. got it.” 

in less than an hour, donghyuck finds herself with her arm around jaemin as she lays against her, eyes fixated on the movie in front of them-- something cheesy and easily digestible, as jaemin has requested. donghyuck didn’t mind the suggestion, especially if it meant that she didn’t have to focus on the movie when, instead, she could focus on jaemin, and the way her hand curls around the edge of donghyuck’s sweater. 

suddenly, donghyuck gets hit with a wave of emotion-- that this is only in her mind, some kind of mirage that keeps her interested, but the closer she gets, the more she realizes there’s nothing but hope turned into desperation. 

donghyuck’s mind restarts when she hears jaemin’s phone vibrate against the edge of the laptop. she jumps at the noise and jaemin snickers, only to immediately frown when she sees the name on the display. donghyuck looks to her, quietly wondering.

“do you have to answer?” 

“yeah,” jaemin says, voice wavering only slightly. donghyuck reaches out to touch her hand, giving it a squeeze. jaemin smiles softly at donghyuck before answering the phone, and pressing it to her ear. her hand stays against donghyuck’s. 

jaemin’s eyes flicker back and forth before her eyebrows furrow. 

“what?” she says, and donghyuck can only follow the conversation one sided, especially as jaemin gets up and presses her back against the wall, a longer distance from donghyuck than before. donghyuck suddenly feels cold as if jaemin was the only thing keeping her warm. “no, i told you, we broke up. why would i go to an event with him?” 

“but--” and then jaemin goes silent. “no, you… can’t do that?” 

donghyuck watches as tears begin to fall down jaemin’s face, washing past the curves of her cheeks, and hitting the blanket on her lap. 

“whatever, you win.” jaemin locks her phone, and folds herself into a shape so small, she barely exists. she sobs, hands pulling at her hair as she hides her face into her knees, and donghyuck is left speechless and without any real inclination of what to do. 

there’s a few moments before donghyuck gets brave, closing her laptop and putting it aside. she reaches forward for jaemin, tugging on her hand. jaemin looks at her, and donghyuck only makes room beside her again, inviting jaemin to be next to her. jaemin shifts, laying down with her head on donghyuck’s lap, eyes still red and watery as she looks at the static parts of the room. 

“it’s not fair,” she says finally, voice broken, but tears starting to subside, while donghyuck pushes her fingers gently through jaemin’s hair. “it’s not fair that parents can just control your life if they want. all i want is to be… what i want to be. i want to be jaemin. i don’t want to be anyone else but it’s like before i was born they created this mold for me and it’s all i have to do, to fit into it.”

her voice breaks hard again, tears falling from her eyes as she sobs, and places her hands over her face. donghyuck only hums, still playing with jaemin’s hair, letting jaemin take her time. 

“when i was little,” jaemin says, sniffling. “i saw my mom stand in the corner of my twelfth birthday party and pop xanax while she thought no one was watching. i knew something was fucking wrong, and i told myself i would never end up like her-- fucking getting drunk on mimosas, and spending all her time buying expensive designer dresses for parties. her smile is so fake, i can see it etched into my mind, as she walks with her arm hooked around my dad’s making small talk.”

she sighs, looking up at donghyuck and reaching out to run her fingers under donghyuck’s chin lightly before dropping her hand back into her lap. “i’d blow my brains out. i really would. but now it’s looking like that’s gonna be it. they’re threatening to take away my tuition for school if i don’t get back together with my boring boyfriend.”

jaemin looks up at donghyuck, and for the first time in the brief history that they’ve been friends, donghyuck thinks jaemin looks defeated. “donghyuck,” she says, and donghyuck nods for her to continue. “please don’t let me be like my mother. i’m begging you.” 

donghyuck smiles, and runs her finger down jaemin’s nose and over the curve of her cupids bow. 

“never,” donghyuck whispers with a smile. “i promise.”

jaemin rolls off her lap to lay next to her, pulling donghyuck to face her against the pillows. for a moment, donghyuck thinks she sees jaemin’s eyes glance to her lips, but in the same moment, jaemin lets out a sigh and only reaches to hold donghyuck’s hand, keeping quiet and she curls up next to her.

donghyuck watches as jaemin finally falls asleep and wonders if she’s ever seen or known someone as beautiful as na jaemin. 

*

it’s a week later, and donghyuck feels semi mobile, hobbling around in a cast that now sits around her entire foot. it’s made it easier, too, for herself and jaemin to get out of the cave that has become their dorm room and into the fresh air, though the cold has started to take over even more harshly now. but for some reason, even with the pain of a broken bone, donghyuck feels happy-- lighter-- as she feels jaemin’s presence, walking by her side to the cafe, and to the book store nearby. 

jaemin even offers to take her to a movie and dinner, sparing donghyuck no expense to treat her from what donghyuck assumes is guilt for being the cause of her injury. but donghyuck can’t even be angry; if anything, she’s almost glad-- the time she now spends with jaemin doesn’t feel forced or strange. she feels as though she can call her roommate her best friend now, though she knows, not even that far deep under the surface, she wants to call her more than that. 

the fantasy seems only to be just that, however, and it’s with a heavy heart that she watches jaemin get ready for some event her parents are hosting, knowing jaemin will never be hers. 

“you have to go?” donghyuck says, rummaging through her emails, glancing over a list of reading materials she’ll need when the new semester starts. 

“well yeah, hyuckie,” jaemin says, looking at her through the full length mirror as she’s trying on dresses. donghyuck sighs, deleting spam, and feeling her stomach sink slowly. “what do you think about this dress?” 

donghyuck looks back to jaemin, watching the way her hair falls down the open back of the elegant silk dress. it hugs her in the right places; loose fitted where it suits her. donghyuck swallows, nodding before looking away. “it’s pretty,” she says softly. 

jaemin frowns, walking over to sit on the side of donghyuck’s bed and gesturing to a marker that sits in the pens holder on her nightstand. donghyuck hands it to her and watches as she begins to write something on her cast. 

“are you… okay? do you not feel well?” jaemin says pausing for a moment to look at donghyuck seriously. 

“i’m fine,” donghyuck says nodding.

“are you sure? because i can stay home--”

“i’m fine, jaemin,” donghyuck says, more sharply this time. jaemin swallows, looking shy and hurt. donghyuck can swear she looks scared or worried about something but she doesn’t ask in case it’s an answer she won’t like.

jaemin caps the marker and throws it on the bed next to donghyuck as she stands up and straightens out her dress. 

“well… i won’t be long,” jaemin says softly, stalling as though waiting for something. “it’s stupid that i even have to go but i don’t have a choice, i suppose.”

there’s a pause before donghyuck can feel a hint of anger rising for a moment. she tries to swallow it but it only hurts her throat. she looks up at jaemin, who’s still got her eyes fixed on her roommate. 

“you don’t have a choice?”

jaemin opens her mouth to speak and closes it. 

“they’ll stop paying for school, donghyuck… if i don’t, i’ll have to use all my savings. i need that money to escape, hyuck. to start a new life. i don’t… i’ll have nothing.”

“whatever,” donghyuck says, shaking her head and closing her laptop. “i’ll see you later.”

jaemin sits down next to her again, looking sorry and frightened. it reminds her of the morning after she had broken her ankle-- jaemin doing everything she could to make sure donghyuck wouldn’t hate her; probably to save her reputation incase donghyuck decided to smear it. 

“i don’t want to leave if you’re angry at me… tell me what i did?”

“you worry about having to use your savings,” donghyuck says, slowly. “do you know how many kids would kill to have money to be independent from their parents? but what, you’re worried about being poor? scared you won’t have premium streaming services and access to fenty makeup? so you’re going to sell yourself to this… guy that you don’t even care about? because you’re fucking worried you won’t have daddy’s credit cards in your pocket anymore?” 

jaemin’s jaw goes slack, and her eyes grow watery.

“that’s not fair,” jaemin says, but donghyuck only scoffs, lips twitching on a demanding smirk as she looks at jaemin. finally, donghyuck watches as jaemin gets angry, stance defensive as she crosses her arms over her torso, and looks at donghyuck with her lip quivering. 

“you know what’s also not fair? you fucking judging me while having a full ride. your entire four year stay is paid for. how can you say you’re any different from me?”

_“what?”_ donghyuck says, eyes flickering, blinking rapidly. “do you know how hard i worked for my scholarship? do you know how much stress i’ve put myself under first with entrence exams and now, with fucking keeping my transcript spotless so they don’t take it away from me? we can’t all be perfect like you jaemin. we can’t all blow money on a fucking art degree and sit around and doodle on ipad pros for homework.” 

jaemin’s lips quivers again as she nods, tears falling and rolling down her cheek.

“you’re right,” she says. “it doesn’t matter what i do or if i waste time. that’s something you and my dad both agree on.”

donghyuck’s blood runs cold, feeling her hand shake. suddenly she’s crying and watching jaemin leave, trying to move but feeling a sharp pain crawl up her leg as she hears the door slam shut.

the silence is overwhelming, again, and it consumes donghyuck as she tries to combat it with her sobs. she falls asleep to the sound of the drone of her heater kicking on, laughter as people roam around the halls of the dormroom, and the sound of her breath shaking on exhale. 

she is reminded again, that she is absolutely alone. 

*

it’s eight am when she wakes up to the sound of the door opening and startling her awake. she looks up to see jaemin standing in the doorway holding a pair of warm drinks, and a bag of pastries. jaemin’s face looks puffy, and exhausted, as though she hadn’t gotten any sleep. her hair is a mess as it sits in a pile on the top of her head, kept together by a very resilient hair tie. 

donghyuck barely moves as jaemin makes her way into the room, sitting on her bed and breathing out a sigh as she sets her things on her bedside table. 

“you need to take your meds,” jaemin says, finally holding out the bag of pastries. donghyuck doesn’t take it, and only sniffles as she looks at jaemin, feeling tears already pool at the edges of her eyes before they spill over and onto her pillowcase. 

“i’m sorry,” she says as her voice cracks.

jaemin sighs, moving to kneel besides donghyuck’s bed and reaches out to hold her hand. she leans down to kiss donghyuck’s knuckles, and pushes her bangs out of her eyes with her other hand. 

“i’m not angry…” jaemin says shaking her head. “you were right.” 

donghyuck opens her mouth to speak but jaemin continues before she can put forth a rebuttal. 

“i’ve been scared,” jaemin says, softly, eyelashes fluttering against her cheek. “my whole life, i’ve been scared because it’s been either freedom or security. i was hoping that university would give me a break and help me decide what i really want but even with knowing, i’m scared. i’m scared of being on my own and of deciding things for myself.” jaemin laughs, breathing out. “i don’t know how you do it, donghyuck. you’re so grown up, and everything you do, you do it for yourself and for your family. you’re so strong. i wish i could be like you.”

jaemin’s voice fades out, as though she’s lost it to whatever insecurities or hidden anxieties live within her. donghyuck’s heart swells, and beats loudly in her chest. 

“you are strong,” she says, sniffling. jaemin laughs, embarrassed, and blushing as she looks down for a moment. but donghyuck takes her hand from jaemin’s, and reaches to pull jaemin’s chin up to look into her eyes. “i’m serious. you’re strong jaemin. and smart, and beautiful, and talented, and kind, and… so many things. don’t wish you were like me, because i’m wishing i could be more like you.” 

jaemin smiles, breathing out a laugh as she pushes tears from her face before they fall. but after a few careful moments, a kind of waiting and wanting fills the air and lays over them in a thick layer. donghyuck watches as jaemin looks at her as though she’s trying to figure something out, studying something on donghyuck’s face. donghyuck feels her heart stop in her chest, and time grow languid, but steady.

jaemin’s lips are just as soft as she expected, pressing over hers so gently as to tell her something. donghyuck feels a timidness, and then sees it on jaemin’s face when she pulls away. 

“i’m sorry,” jaemin says, receding a little. “did i read that wrong? you look… shocked.” 

donghyuck shakes her head, and reaches out for jaemin, watching her as she finds her way against donghyuck’s figure. pressing close, their foreheads touch, palms pressing together before their fingers intertwine. 

everything drowns out as the silence encases them, but this time, the silence is quiet as she watches jaemin’s eyes flutter closed, and she strokes the soft skin of her cheek once more. donghyuck leans in this time, feeling terrified, but certain, kissing jaemin every way she knows how, to make sure that this is real, that her feelings are real; that this beautiful girl in her arms is real. 

“you stupid lesbian,” jaemin says, laughing a little as she traces donghyuck’s skin lightly with a finger. “i knew you had a crush on me.” donghyuck snickers, touching jaemin’s cupid’s bow with a finger, watching jaemin kiss her fingertip and nuzzle closer.

“then why didn’t you kiss me sooner?” donghyuck asks, softly. 

“i wanted to every night.” 

“does this mean we’re… girlfriends?” donghyuck asks.

“do you want to be?” 

donghyuck nods, and blushes. jaemin giggles quietly before she takes donghyuck’s hand and brings it to her lips to kiss her palm, and wrist, before holding it tight. 

“i love you,” jaemin says, softly catching donghyuck off guard. 

“i love you too.” 

*

“what have you written on my cast?” donghyuck says, twisting in a way to try to see the delicate writing that’s been etched across the plaster in the mirror. jaemin walks toward her, giving a laugh, and wrapping her arms around donghyuck’s waist. 

“it’s an excerpt,” jaemin says softly.

“from?”

“a quote from one of vita’s letters to virginia.” jaemin pauses to give donghyuck a simple, sweet kiss. donghyuck thinks it’s a thing of grandeur to know what passion tastes like on a lover’s lips. 

_“‘dearest, let me have a line –– you have given me such happiness.’”_

**Author's Note:**

> to be continued . . . 
> 
> also a big thank you to dayo for editing this for me and convincing me to finally post it~
> 
> also also i might continue to edit this but who knows


End file.
